Me, No Filter

Don’t want to die, just don’t really want to exist, either. Want to sleep, can’t sleep. Could drug into sleep but that would make it worse later. No food in the house, no ability to leave the house. Stuck. Mired. Physical problems going unaddressed, probably getting worse. Afraid to find out. Typing it out because that’s all I can do. More later, maybe. Sharing out of vanity, but hopefully someone is helped by seeing they’re not alone. Best I can do right now.

10 thoughts on “Me, No Filter

  1. Where are you Melissa? Have you no friend or family? In our area and many around the world there are rescue missions or Salvation Army, The Vineyard Church or Red Cross members you might turn to who can help you move through this crises to a place of firmer footing. It is good to give a shout out into Web world but there are times when only a warm hug and a sincere listening ear –someone equipped to help out– is the best and wisest next move. I am praying for you.

    • Thank you, Jan. I have people and this isn’t my first go-round with Depressive episodes. I know I’ll be OK later. It’s just that, with all the coping mechanisms and knowledge I have on the subject, it still feels like this in the moment.

      • Feelings are fleeting like clouds blocking the sun. Feelings can be circumstance driven and circumstances change without preparation or warning. Lack of sleep always torpedoes my happiness. The best prescription I have found is to count my blessings. All the good things and caring people I enjoy I can dismiss as small compared to my misery or I can think how much I would miss if they were all suddenly taken away from me. Hang in there sweetie!

  2. I just experienced a physical feeling of relief, like a stone was lifted off my chest. Don’t think I’ve ever quite had that in relation to a depressive episode before. It’s stunning and beautiful. I hope it lasts.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s